Four years of writing papers, attending lectures, going on midnight boba runs, organizing club events, and making a home in San Diego have come down to this question: what are you going to do now? I have thought about a lot of scenarios in my head about what I want to do. I've imagined myself getting hired by a small book publisher and rummaging through pages of unedited manuscripts. I've imagined myself hunched over my laptop writing a piece for a magazine at late hours so I can meet a deadline. I've thought about making myself coffee in the morning in a small, white-walled apartment that I pay rent for. I have thought about driving along the coast to San Diego to visit my friends who still live there. I have an active imagination.
All of these scenarios are waiting to be fulfilled and the big blank void I see in front of me is wanting to be ventured into. I feel ready to break the barrier, but every time I feel like I'm finally going to do it, finally become an adult, there's a set back. It mostly comes in the form of rejection or feeling scared, and it's extremely disappointing.
As I left San Diego yesterday, I was so miserable. The life I am leaving is one of education, fun, adventure, and friendship. I felt as if I had no prospects and was thinking that I am going to stay at home all day and watch television for a week. But as I drove into town today, I felt completely different. Excitement and hope were in my mind as I thought about what I am going to do with this time in Santa Barbara and wherever I am going to be.
I don't want to make a permanent life in Santa Barbara. But, I'm here now. And life is happening wherever I am now. So, what am I going to do now?
I was recently given this quote in a giant fortune cookie - it was personalized for me as a graduation gift by my Micah.
I know that I can live out those scenarios - I will one day pay my own rent and be independent and be a writer and have awesome trips to San Diego. I will have to work hard, be humble, be ready for change, and make myself known. But I have to do it now. I can't wait for the perfect job or the perfect location. For now, small victories are welcome and it's all going towards something bigger for myself. There is something waiting in the void and I have to jump into it wherever I am. What I think, I can become.